Conceptualization
-To form a concept-
I’ve often wondered why I am unable to obtain what I thought I’d
be able to. In this moment, I ponder on reality. I question how I’ve been so
oblivious to look over the truth and rely on my ideals of what I had thought
reality was. I’ve been raised by the media to believe what is not accurate about life. All of the TV shows and movies I’ve ever viewed have formed this idea of what I
believed life would be like. I’m afraid it’s done this to others as well. How
am I to know what to expect out of life if all I’ve known is what I’ve seen on
TV. I’ve been living in a fictitious world. A world that runs off of false
hope. I’m searching for my identity but how am I to know who I am when I don’t even know how the
world works. I’m constantly analyzing myself to insure I’m staying true to
myself; but that makes no sense. I am who I say I am, but whose to say what I
am is who I want to be; and why is it so difficult to obtain the status one
wishes to be at.
I have a vision of who I want to be. I see myself as a happy,
healthy, outgoing woman. A woman who brings joy to others as well as herself.
That’s who I want to be, so why am I stuck here. Why can’t I be what I want? It’s
hard to be outgoing when you have few friends. It’s hard to make friends when
you’re afraid of being "yourself". Afraid to get hurt by something that hasn’t even
happened. It’s the possibility of pain and defeat that keeps me from moving forward.
I am a friendly person. I am a smart person. I am a happy person. I just can’t
figure out how to be all in one. I wish to make friends by being myself. If I
want myself to be that smart, outgoing, friendly person then why is it so hard
in the face of humanity. I try to be her, but I constantly have to assess myself
for authenticity. Am I who I am? Am I being fake? Finding the balance between
being her and staying true to what I believe in is pain-stakingly difficult. I
often find myself conforming to beliefs that I don’t hold in the face of
adversity. I wish to hold my composure yet maintain a friendliness that
advances a relationship rather than hinders it. But how am I to decide what is
right and wrong? I can’t differentiate fact and fiction while faced with a
debate. I can’t compose a legitimate statement under pressure.
Peers scare me. They are my downfall. Yet, somehow, they are
what keeps me sane. They keep me happy and are a part of myself that I am lost
without. I need personal contact and company to keep me on my feet. I need conversations
and quality time. However, in a relationship, I lose contact and quality time
with outside forces. I lose others for the one I’m trying not to lose. I focus
all of my love and attention on my one main priority, and to some degree I
believe they should be your main priority. But I forget about the world in an
effort to hold up myself. I grow closer to one while distancing others. I feel
as though all I need is one, when in reality I need others to grow and
experience the life I had dreamed for myself.
However, reality has gotten in the way. The world is hard. There’s
nothing in adolescents that can prepare you for the brutality of the “real
world.” It’s harsh. It’s brutal. And it hurts like hell. I wish I had advice
for how to find happiness, but it’s hard to give advice about something you
only thought you knew. I thought I knew what I was getting into. I thought I
knew how being an adult would be. I thought I knew how to communicate logically
and interact in entertaining, friendly engagements, but I was wrong. I was
wrong about the preconceived ideas I had conceptualized before entering
adulthood. The world is brutal and living in a small sheltered town did not
prepare me for the realities of humanity.
I’ve become lost in my thoughts. I’ve become neutral in how
others think about me. I want to say I’ve become shy, but that’s not completely
the case. I want nothing more than a group of supporting people in my life. I
have that. But now it’s time for me to expand myself. It’s time for me to live
my life. I must get over the fear of saying the wrong thing. I must open my
mind in every situation and avoid the nagging need to be insightful, funny, or
perfect in every situation. I must look past what I think I am and be what I
actually am.
I’m awkward. I’m clumsy. I stutter on my words. I make
mistakes. I don’t say everything perfectly and I often get carried away on the
high of the English language. In moments of excitement I ramble. I say things I
don’t believe and insult people I meant to help. That’s who I am. I find things
to say to say things. I don’t like silence because I’m uncomfortable with
creating thoughts the other person may be thinking. I jump to conclusions and ultimately
decide I’m not what anyone wants. I find a way to be ok with being alone because
of the fear that I’ll be rejected either way. I’m not concerned about making
mistakes but I don’t give myself the chance to do so.
I’m in no way perfect. I don’t think “intelligently.” I’m not
composed. I overthink situations, I jump to conclusions, and I assume the
worst. I once wished to come off as an intellectual person, and I still do wish
that, but I also wish to be a person. I don’t want to hold back the stupid comments
I make. I don’t want to hide the funny side of me that makes people laugh. I
must be aware that I can’t make every one smile, and that’s ok. Not everyone
will like me, and I know that. But that doesn’t mean I can’t make myself available
to every friendship. I become intimidated by people who seem to have status. I’ve
always shut myself off from people like that. Always. There was a point in my
life when I broke that barrier and allowed myself to become confident enough to
be friends with anyone. I must find the words and conversations to interact
with everyone. I can’t judge. I can’t fall into the realm of artificial people.
But I have to be me. And what if “me” is artificial?
I’m funny god dammit. I’ve lost part of that overtime. I was in a hurry to grow
up. All my life. I’ve been mature. And I still am. But I’m also young… still. I’ll
find the nerve to stop being afraid of insulting someone. I’ll find the nerve
to speak up. I’ll find the nerve to show people who I really am and who I always
have been. I’m crazy, annoying, loud, opinionated, adventurous, thoughtful,
friendly, and the most loving and dedicated friend you may ever stumble upon.
Adulthood is nothing I could have ever imagined. Things fall
apart for no reason. Poverty is a daily struggle for many. Crime is everywhere.
There’s a war going on in your backyard that you can’t even fathom. Humanity is
fucked up. But we all live on this Earth and should make the most out of it no
matter what cards we’re dealt. The worst thing you can do with your life is do nothing.
