Before you read the first sentence and decide you don't want to read anymore, please hear me out.
In late August I was diagnosed with anorexia-nervosa.
With that being said, there’s a lot to know about the
disorder, and even more to know about how it affects individuals. I had the
opportunity to uncover the ways it was destroying my life, and the
ways it has enhanced and hindered others. In short, outlined is my experience
in a residential treatment facility, a partial-hospitalization facility, and the ways I have learned and grown (both physically and mentally).
For some context, eating disorders are commonly referred to
as mood disorders. They affect each individual differently, and
they can serve an array of purposes. For many, they are used as coping skills
in difficult situations. They can also be used as a mask to hide things that
are difficult to face. However useful eating disorders can be, they are never
more than just duct tape over a leaky pipe. The issue(s) can never be fully
resolved until the duct tape is completely removed. If you keep the duct tape
on the pipe forever, it will eventually begin to leak and the pipe becomes completely
useless and bursts. Eating disorders are the single most deadly mental illness (which took me awhile to actually believe). Sorry that sentence was pretty abrupt, but it's something that most people don't think about when they hear eating disorder (It's more synonymous with "skinny bitch" or something along those lines).
And no, unfortunately I can't just eat and be magically better. It's anxiety. It's depression. It's OCD. It's like all mental illnesses that you deal with for life. You get treated for and hope to god that those thoughts don't sneak back in and consume your everyday life. It's the way the brain works. And my brain may be genetically altered to have this "eating disorder trait", but there are also amazing traits that often coincide with an eating disorder mind. Things like tenacity, being driven, determined, directive, energetic, fearless, spontaneous etc...
I didn’t chose an eating disorder. I didn’t chose the genes that compel me to over-achieve or take things way too far. I didn’t chose to willingly starve myself to near death. But what I can choose is the will to resist using eating disorder behaviors. I can chose to continue to eat when I feel like that's the most difficult thing on the planet. I can choose to sit down when all I want to do is run for hours on end. I can chose to express my emotions rather than keep them bundled up. This knowledge didn't come easy and it's still difficult to adhere to...
As mentioned above, I was diagnosed in late August on the day I saw my very first therapist (they're amazing btw, you should try one out). Being diagnosed on the spot was incredibly heart-wrenching and also overwhelmingly relieving. I still feel a lot of shame, guilt, and fear that came with the diagnosis, but I was relieved in knowing that my thoughts, obsessions, and actions were skewed. It was relieving to know that the things I did and the ways I acted were “disordered” because although I was “skinny” and “successful” I felt like a huge piece of myself was missing, and this left me feeling so empty, and sometimes not even feeling at all.
So, I left school. I left work at my dream school (which was one of the most
difficult decisions I’ve had to make). I moved into a residential treatment
facility and spent 9 and a half weeks living with up to 14 other individuals
with eating disorders. I had learned about eating disorders in my abnormal
psychology class, but this experience taught me more than 4 years of abnormal
psychology classes at the most prestigious university ever could have. My eating disorder involves(ed) over exercising,
orthorexia ("clean eating" only mindset), restricting, and binging and purging. Typing those words make me
cringe and feel so much shame and disgust. I’m not proud of what
I’ve done, but I also realize I did it for a reason. I was hiding from life and
gaining a sense of control when I felt like I didn’t have any.
I’ve learned that I, along with every other human in this
world, have feelings (no shit, right?). I am allowed to have feelings and I’m allowed to feel and
express them (even the ugly feelings). My eating disorder gave me a way to avoid all sense of emotion;
especially anger, fear, and rejection. Nobody really wants to feel pain, but
without pain it’s difficult to feel true happiness.
Now, what a lot of people think (and I say this because I
once thought it) is that eating disorders are all egocentric, middle/upper
class, women who are obsessed with being skinny. Sorry to break it to you, but
that’s not at all the case. Where it is the case that anorexia is a fear of gaining
weight, it’s a fear instilled by our dominant culture. Don’t get me wrong, body
image definitely plays a large role, but not in the ways I once conceived.
Being obsessed with the numbers dwindling on the scale is more about achieving a
goal (for me). It gave me a sense of pride in that I was able to achieve what
our dominant society is always obsessing about. It gave me something to focus
on so I didn’t have to focus on things that really mattered. It was an
obsession that I couldn’t break. Eating less, losing more, exercising more. It’s
a vicious cycle that I was never satisfied with. It wasn’t about the body, that
I was actually never satisfied with, but the life. I had misconceptions that the more I
lost, the more I achieved, the happier I would be.
In an anorexic body I felt the most depleted. The most unsatisfied and insecure. Now, after 9.5 weeks in residential and 5 weeks in a partial hospitalization program, 4 months of treatment in all, I am on my way
to a full recovery. I still struggle, and thoughts don’t just disappear overnight,
but I am leaps and bounds happier and healthier than I was before. I’m also
heavier. I spent 3.5 months gaining weight and learning how to eat normally (don't ask how much I weigh bc I DONT KNOW and more importantly DONT CARE). I
saw a dietitian once a week, a therapist 3 times a week, a medical doctor,
psychiatrist, and nurses.
I’m sad to admit that I’m not magically in love with the way
I look. This body doesn’t feel like a pot of gold, but as a woman I’m learning
to let go of the desires that society and men have placed on my body. The most important thing
to me is being able to live my life wholly. I’ve realized that I don’t truly
value being the skinniest or the “healthiest” (which is messed up, because my "healthy" was only seen as healthy because of the way I looked, when in reality I could have been dead) and that the individuals who are
attracted to my anorexia body are not the people I want in my life. I genuinely
value authenticity, honesty, and connection. I’d rather attract friendships and
relationships whose values are in-line with my own.
I strive to eat all types of food, as I’ve learned that
there is no such thing as “good” or “bad” fuel. I'm trying to break away from the fucked up ideals of "eating-less and exercising more." No, I don't need to eat less. No, I don't need to exercise more. I never needed to. Moderation is key. If I want a
bagel with cream cheese, I can have it. If I want a cookie, I can have it.
Every day. I don't ever need to exercise to be able to eat. I am working on erasing all orthorexic tendencies. I’m working on exercising in moderation and in ways that bring joy and
connection.
Life is so much more than a body and my weight will never
determine my worth.
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I want to assure you all that it is not my intention to host a pity party or even to gain attention. All I hope is that those who are also struggling are able to find a way to reach out for help. This is a mental illness that is not often taken seriously. Society tells us to look past those who struggle, and I'm here to say that, that's fucked up. I care and you matter.
If you'd like more information or know of someone who is struggling, please, please, PLEASE reach out. This bullshit is not fun, especially not alone.
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I also want to let people know that there are things that are COMPLETELY unhelpful to those who are struggling (and probably unnecessary to people who don't struggle as well). Please DONT comment on...
1. how someone's body looks
2. what fad (and bullshit) diet you're on
3. how much you exercise (or dont)
4. what you "shouldn't" or "should" eat
5. how "fat" you look (bc who cares, you look fucking fabulous)
INSTEAD try asking...
1. how do you feel today?
2. how is your day going?
3. are you ok?
4. do you want to go eat a doughnut bc yum
5. is there anything I can help with?
Thank you for sticking with me. Your support, feedback, questions, and even the time you took to read this means a lot to me. Seriously ask me anything, I'm kinda an open book at this point.
